Thursday, December 4, 2008

Missouri Hates Music

If there is one thing Missouri hates more than the success of others, it has to be good music. We hate listening to it and despise seeing it live. This can be seen in the St. Louis and Kansas City scene. Both cities have god-wful crowds and we never sell out concerts that will sell out in an hour in most other cities. For example, Radiohead came to St. Louis in May of this year and it didn't sellout. Really St. Louis? Don't blame the economic climate either. I think most people can afford $30 every 5 years that Radiohead tours. See the thing is, we get big acts. But they only come about once, they don't sellout, and then they never come again. Booking agents see large metropolitan areas in St. Louis and KC and think that they have to stop in Missouri. Little did they know that we can't stand their kind.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Missouri's Version of Cockfighting

The newest trend in Missouri? You guessed it, forcing your kids to fight each other. From the St. Louis Post-Dispatch:

Man forced sons to fight

"WENTZVILLE - A father forced his two sons to fight each other because one had pushed the other off his bicycle, police said."

Go here to read the full story.

The best part of the story is that he made them fight in front of his house with an audience and when cars drove by they'd call a "Game off." I think this exemplifies what its like to raise your kid in Missouri - a strong commitment to teaching important values like "Not Being a Pussy" and "Kicking Your Brother When He's Down" and "Not Crying Like A Faggy Little Girl" and, don't forget, "Don't Snitch."

That last one didn't work out so well.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Missouri leading the nation in racism on the roads

So, not only are we the state that had the KKK try to Adopt-A-Highway (we let them). But now, we've put up this sign. Nice.

I hate this state.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

MWI: Mowing While Intoxicated

I love this state.

I was going to write some scathing critique of this guy, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. He represents all that is good about Missouri. I have posted the story in its entirety, it's just too good to keep to myself:

Man Accused Of Drunken Driving On Riding Mower

IRON MOUNTAIN LAKE, Mo., Oct. 8, 2008

(AP) An eastern Missouri man was accused of drunken driving on a riding lawnmower. The suspect, whose name has not been released, was suspected of being involved in a disturbance on Sunday.

On Monday, police got a tip that the man was at a home. An officer went to the home saw the man driving down a street on a riding mower, pulling a trailer with a case of beer. Police say the man also had a flask of whiskey in his pocket.

The man's blood alcohol registered at .115, well above the state legal limit of 0.08.

The man was arrested for driving while intoxicated and careless and imprudent driving.

Kudos man. You're incredible. The best part is that this guy is hammered - like, already at .115 and still going strong.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Gone Noodlin'

Noodling. Have you heard of this? Supposedly it's illegal. Apparently, it entails getting a catfish to try and swallow your hand. Then, you just pull it up, out of the water. Have a big fucking fish fry in the front yard and eat it and drink Busch grow rat-tails. But here's the thing. People die from this all the time.

Seriously. They get drowned by the catfish. Is there a less graceful way to die? I'm sure there is. But this has to be up there. What do you do if you're the friend who was out there with your buddy and he's killed by a huge catfish. Surely you could have done something.

It's the most white- trash-peice-of- shit-retard-redneck-fucking- stupid-waste-of-human- life-dumbfuck-and- 18-years-of-compulsory-education- and-for-what?-for-a-fucking- huge-dick-catfish-to- drown-you-in-a-sick- Missouri-creek way to die.

This should seriously be Missouri's state sport. I hate the people in this state.

Conceal AND Carry

Ever wonder why this blog is called "Never Trust A Missourian"? Well, I'll give you two words that explain it perfectly. One is "conceal" and the other is "carry."

For idiots, this means that Missourians have the right to hide a gun on them and walk around amongst us. Why you ask? Why in the fuck would anyone need to carry a gun around all the time? Well, as this engrossing website Missouri Right To Carry What Every Woman Should Know tells us there are a TON of good reasons to allow for stupid Missourians to be able to carry a gun around.

- Right-to-carry license holders are more law-abiding than the general public. In Florida, for example, the firearm crime rate among license holders, annually averaging only several crimes per 100,000 licensees, is a fraction of the rate for the state as a whole. Since the carry law went into effect in 1987, less than 0.02% of Florida carry permits have been revoked because of gun crimes committed by license holders.

Good. We're comparing ourselves to Florida. Jesus. Florida? One of the most disgusting peice of shit states in the Union. Sick. Pretty soon we'll be comparing ourselves to Mississippi explaining why being morbidly obese is good for society. Quick note: I hate Mississippi more than Missouri.

- Murder rates decline when either more women or more men carry concealed handguns, but the effect is especially pronounced for women.

Yep. You heard it here. But, what this doesn't take into account is that the overall trashiness of Missouri means our crime rate is so high that there can be fluctuations and we can still be one of the worst places to live. This is fucking stupid. I wonder how concel and carry has change the numbers in New Hampshire. Wait, that place is awesome. It doesn't need to carry a gun to go to Dairy Queen and get a chocolate dip cone. And now... my favorite

- The benefits of concealed handguns are not limited to those who carry them. Others get a free ride from the crime fighting efforts of their fellow citizens.

Good point. Fucking pussy liberals.

Seriously, never trust a Missourian.

Monday, June 16, 2008

An Open Letter to Radio Program Managers

Dear Program Manager,

Please stop playing Jane's Addiction. Seriously, this band is fucking stupid and terrible. There is not ONE redeeming quality in there music - at least not that I've heard. It's garbage. His voice sucks. I can't even form a coherent thought I'm so mad about this sick band.

But don't worry. They have that one god damn song that you wait for me to get into my car before you play. God I hate that fucking song. "Been Caught Stealin" that's some good ass music, right? Yeah, people around the city are just pumped because they hear a little JA come on.

Dammit. It's terrible. No one likes Jane's Addiction. The band didn't even like it, that's why they broke up... twice. You know, why you're at it, why don't you do a little Papa Roach right after.

You disgust me Program Managers. Jane's Addiction can go to hell.