A little known fact is that Missourians invented storm watching. Who else? It's the ultimate sign of disrespect to Mother Nature. I remember being a kid and the Tornado Warning was flashing on the TV, the horn was going crazy outside but rather than hiding in the basement, my family had the garage door open and a set of lawn chairs, if I had been old enough, there would have been drinks involved as well.
A Missourian is never surprised by weather or enthralled with it's "beauty." We've seen it all. Extreme cold, Extreme heat, ice storms, blizzards, floods, tornados, droughts... Missouri is the culmination of all the worst things that can be thrown at a people. And we're still not impressed.
In fact, the most powerful earthquake to strike the United States occurred in 1811, centered in New Madrid, Missouri. The quake shook more than one million square miles, and was felt as far as 1,000 miles away. According to legend, citizens of Arkansas, Kansas, and Tennesse heard Missourians mocking mother nature by yelling "Is that the best you got?"
I'm pretty sure if a nuclear bomb went off somewhere near, I would watch it from my garage, hell, I'm going to die anyway.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Where Missourians and Illinoisians differ...
Since I work on the border of Missouri and Illinois, I have noticed a few key differences in the attitudes and culture of the natives from each state. Here are just a few...
1. When hearing that Al Gore had just received the Nobel Peace Prize, an Illinoisian said, "Good for him. He has created much awareness about this horrible situation." A Missourian responded, "Al Gore is in it for the money. He is not to be trusted. Plus, global warming is a stupid concept."
2. An Illinoisian is much more prone to say, "Happy Friday guys!"
3. When someone walks around the office collecting money for a birthday party, an Illinoisian gets excited and wonders whose big day it is. A Missourian will shudder and respond, "who gives a shit. I have to give money again."
4. Illinoisians enjoy cream soda, balloons,and cake much more than Missourians.
5. Missourians still actively use the phrase, "Git 'r done."
6. Missourians appreciate Sammy Haggar's catalog much more that Illinoisians.
1. When hearing that Al Gore had just received the Nobel Peace Prize, an Illinoisian said, "Good for him. He has created much awareness about this horrible situation." A Missourian responded, "Al Gore is in it for the money. He is not to be trusted. Plus, global warming is a stupid concept."
2. An Illinoisian is much more prone to say, "Happy Friday guys!"
3. When someone walks around the office collecting money for a birthday party, an Illinoisian gets excited and wonders whose big day it is. A Missourian will shudder and respond, "who gives a shit. I have to give money again."
4. Illinoisians enjoy cream soda, balloons,and cake much more than Missourians.
5. Missourians still actively use the phrase, "Git 'r done."
6. Missourians appreciate Sammy Haggar's catalog much more that Illinoisians.
Jesse James: A True Missourian
I can sum up the state of Missouri with a beautiful quote from the governor of Illinois in 1881.
"Only the wretched state of Missouri would allow Jesse James to roam free for 12 years."
"Only the wretched state of Missouri would allow Jesse James to roam free for 12 years."
Monday, October 15, 2007
Show Me Sportsmanship
The following letter was written to the Kansas City Star following the Missouri-Nebraska game:
As a big 12 supporter, I have attended sporting events at seven different Big 12 schools. Never before have I seen such a lack of sportsmanship than what I saw at the Missouri-Nebraska game. I attended the game with no alliance to either team. I would like to remind the fans of Missouri that there is never an excuse to throw rocks or trash at fellow fans. I know this is a very exciting time for the football community at Missouri, but let's remember that one of the most important ingredients for winning football teams is sportsmanship. I hope that no MU fan has to experience in Norman what my party had to experience in Columbia. Come on, Mizzou, you are a big 12 school -- you are better than that.
Julia Tata - Dubois, Wyo.
Well Julia, I don't think you realized what state you were in. This is Missouri. We certainly weren't impressed with Nebraska and we let them know. We'll show you respect when you show us a reason to be respected- otherwise you'll get garbage thrown at you. If you don't like it, go back to Wyoming and eat your tofu and knit your quilts or whatever you do up there in God's country - there's no place for that here.
As a big 12 supporter, I have attended sporting events at seven different Big 12 schools. Never before have I seen such a lack of sportsmanship than what I saw at the Missouri-Nebraska game. I attended the game with no alliance to either team. I would like to remind the fans of Missouri that there is never an excuse to throw rocks or trash at fellow fans. I know this is a very exciting time for the football community at Missouri, but let's remember that one of the most important ingredients for winning football teams is sportsmanship. I hope that no MU fan has to experience in Norman what my party had to experience in Columbia. Come on, Mizzou, you are a big 12 school -- you are better than that.
Julia Tata - Dubois, Wyo.
Well Julia, I don't think you realized what state you were in. This is Missouri. We certainly weren't impressed with Nebraska and we let them know. We'll show you respect when you show us a reason to be respected- otherwise you'll get garbage thrown at you. If you don't like it, go back to Wyoming and eat your tofu and knit your quilts or whatever you do up there in God's country - there's no place for that here.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Open Letter to Patrons of My Banquet Bar
I work a banquet bar on weekends, below I've compiled a list of some things to do/not to do if I happen to be your bartender. (To know if it's me, I'm the guy who doesn't want to talk to you).
- To the wine snob who complains about cheap wine at an open bar: fuck you. Not impressed that you know what year was good for Pinot Grigio or some other wine snob bullshit. If you don't like it don't keep coming back and drinking it for free. Also, if it's cheap wine at the beginning we're not magically going to get bottles of great wine that meet your standards - it'll be the same shitty wine all night. You're complaining changes nothing and it's not cute or interesting, you're the worst type of person.
- To the underage people who are trying to get alcohol because it's a wedding: Do your homework. I don't condone underage drinking but I also don't care. Unless you look like a baby, I'm not going to give you problems, but don't make an asshole out of me. Don't order "wine" - that means nothing to me. Copy the order of the guy in front, or just say "red," "white," or "beer." When you say wine or order an amaretto sour you may as be saying that you're actually 17.
- To the guy who lives in the country and was invited only because he's family... the huge embarrassment to the family: You can't tell the difference. You can't tell the difference between merlot and cabernet so don't act like I punched you in the face when I only have one. Evan Williams and Jack Daniels mean nothing to your palate so don't complain. Better yet, just drink beer. Or just do everyone a favor and leave early without hitting your wife.
- To the guy who gives me a big tip to "take care of him": I'm not impressed. Join the club of people who all think I'll give them better service because they gave me a big tip. Listen, it's a wedding, I have limited supplies. I'll give you a vodka tonic when you ask me... there's your service. Your welcome. But I really do appreciate the big tip.
- To the people who think it's cool to yell my name: It's not. Just wait in line until I take your order, yelling my name does nothing except tell me not to serve you until later. Actually, yell barkeep, I respect that. Other's in the KC area don't, but I do.
- To the super drunk girls: Yes. I am interested, please, call me after the wedding. We'll go out or something.
- To the people who need one more drink: Really? When we're closed we're closed. The alcohol is gone. It's not behind the counter or in my pocket or hidden underneath the bar - it's locked in another room that I don't have the key to. "One more" means nothing to me, neither does demanding more. *Note: this is especially hard for those who tipped big earlier in the night to grasp.
Thanks for listening, also, I reserve the right to break every one of these tips when I'm out... and I'm pretty sure I have.
- To the wine snob who complains about cheap wine at an open bar: fuck you. Not impressed that you know what year was good for Pinot Grigio or some other wine snob bullshit. If you don't like it don't keep coming back and drinking it for free. Also, if it's cheap wine at the beginning we're not magically going to get bottles of great wine that meet your standards - it'll be the same shitty wine all night. You're complaining changes nothing and it's not cute or interesting, you're the worst type of person.
- To the underage people who are trying to get alcohol because it's a wedding: Do your homework. I don't condone underage drinking but I also don't care. Unless you look like a baby, I'm not going to give you problems, but don't make an asshole out of me. Don't order "wine" - that means nothing to me. Copy the order of the guy in front, or just say "red," "white," or "beer." When you say wine or order an amaretto sour you may as be saying that you're actually 17.
- To the guy who lives in the country and was invited only because he's family... the huge embarrassment to the family: You can't tell the difference. You can't tell the difference between merlot and cabernet so don't act like I punched you in the face when I only have one. Evan Williams and Jack Daniels mean nothing to your palate so don't complain. Better yet, just drink beer. Or just do everyone a favor and leave early without hitting your wife.
- To the guy who gives me a big tip to "take care of him": I'm not impressed. Join the club of people who all think I'll give them better service because they gave me a big tip. Listen, it's a wedding, I have limited supplies. I'll give you a vodka tonic when you ask me... there's your service. Your welcome. But I really do appreciate the big tip.
- To the people who think it's cool to yell my name: It's not. Just wait in line until I take your order, yelling my name does nothing except tell me not to serve you until later. Actually, yell barkeep, I respect that. Other's in the KC area don't, but I do.
- To the super drunk girls: Yes. I am interested, please, call me after the wedding. We'll go out or something.
- To the people who need one more drink: Really? When we're closed we're closed. The alcohol is gone. It's not behind the counter or in my pocket or hidden underneath the bar - it's locked in another room that I don't have the key to. "One more" means nothing to me, neither does demanding more. *Note: this is especially hard for those who tipped big earlier in the night to grasp.
Thanks for listening, also, I reserve the right to break every one of these tips when I'm out... and I'm pretty sure I have.
Two Honorary Missourians
I'm proud to name Timothy McKevitt and Jonathon Porter honorary Missourians for their exploits out west in San Francisco. It seems an ostrich named Gaylord attacked them in front of two girls, who laughed. To retaliate, the two men returned later and killed the bird.
If they were true Missourians they would have eaten the body of the ostrich and put its head in the locker of one of the girls who laughed at the attack - to serve as a warning. No one embarrasses a Missourian, unless its another Missourian who isn't impressed by something.
Read the full story here
If they were true Missourians they would have eaten the body of the ostrich and put its head in the locker of one of the girls who laughed at the attack - to serve as a warning. No one embarrasses a Missourian, unless its another Missourian who isn't impressed by something.
Read the full story here
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Sweet Dreams from the Show Me State
I think this video sums up what it's like when a Missourian dreams:
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