Missouri Dealership Offers Free Handguns

A dealership is East Jesus, Missouri is offering free handguns or gas with every purchase. Is it not surprising that most customers are choosing the semiautomatic handgun? When asked about the promotion, general manager Walter Moore said "down here we believe in god, guts, and guns."

This man is a true missourian in every way. God bless you Walter.

Mormons hate Missouri

Joseph Smith, the founder and prophet of the Mormon religion, had this to say about our fair state:

"The murders at Haun's Mill, the exterminating order of Governor Boggs, and the one-sided rascally proceedings of the Legislature, have damned the State of Missouri to all eternity."

This quote originated from the Haun's Mill massacre when Missouri ordered a militia to exterminate a group of Mormon settlers. Missouri has only one speed and its set to "intense." These words are particularly damning when you realize that Smith also identified Independence, Missouri (the one-time Meth capital of the world) as the "center place." You know, where Jesus would return.

Is anyone surprised by this? Missouri being damned for all eternity? I mean Smith might have been on to something. If our roadways and other failed initiatives are any example, maybe all Missourians are cursed. Even worse, the only president from Missouri was the only president to use nuclear weapons. Our college has been host to a number of unsavory characters.

Missourians don't stand a chance.

Missouri is not impressed with the city of St. Louis

The city of St. Louis, Missouri is getting more and more frusterating to live in. In the previous years, there have been many ideas and entertainment developments that have been planned to revitalize the downtown area. By 2008, two developements (The Bottle District near the Dome and Ballpark Village near Busch Stadium) were supposed to be open and finished. As of today, construction has not started on either of them.

See, St. Louis is really good at creating blue prints for exciting new developments. But that is as far as we get. St. Louis is like the divorced dad who promises to attend your soccer game and the citizens are the little kids looking up to the stands knowing he won't be there. We are used to being treated like crap by our state. We are never surprised when something gets voted down. We know our state hates us. Missouri hates to see anyone succeed, especially its own kind. I hate it, but I respect the shit out of it.

A Missouri Flood Survival Kit

Toilet Paper........................................check

Bud Light...........................................check

Keystone Ice........................................check

Budweiser..........................................check

Red Dog.............................................check

Misc. other bottles of alcohol......................check

Piece of plywood to float your old lady and booze on ......... check

A Missouri Wedding? Probably

Random Quote

"I come from a country that raises corn and cotton, cockleburs and
Democrats, and frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. I'm from
Missouri, and you have got to show me" - William Vandiver

Missourians have their cake and eat it too

THE FOLLOWING LETTER IS FROM A KANSAS CITIAN WHOSE MISSOURIAN STATUS WAS CHALLENGED BY A ST. LOUISAN. IT DOES CONTAIN HARSH LANGUAGE, SO IF YOU ARE FROM THE WEST COAST PLEASE CLOSE YOUR EYES!

Never question my Missouri-ness. It takes a lot out of a man not enjoying a championship ever. The Rams and Cardinals have won one and been awesome during a time in recent memory. A championship or an over 60-win season can last for a while.

And part of being a Missourian is saying I don’t have to justify anything to you. You don’t like it? Fuck you. I’m from Missouri and I’ll act any way I want. That’s why there’s a Constitution. People told Harry S. Truman he shouldn’t drop the A-bomb, did he listen? No. Fuck asia. If there’s one thing consistent about Missourians its that they do what is in there own self-interest. Count me in. I want to have a back up team that actually wins once every 25 fucking years, so why not go with the best. And if they start sucking, who cares, I have nothing invested in them. I’m my own island with my own sense of right and wrong. Thats what was taught to me by 24 years of living in this terrible, backwards state. It’s how a man grows strong and lives on his own. Missouri is like a vision quest. We’ll send you out on your own, government doesn’t care about you. Parents got their own shit to deal with. Land-locked. Hottest heat. Coldest cold. Dirty. Trying to sell me shit constantly. Refusing to fix the roads. This state is all about living for yourself. That’s why we’re not impressed. We’ve seen the worst this world has to offer on a regular basis and we accept it as fact. Fans are supposed to give the other team shit. Our college is crooked and our athletes are criminals. That’s how we like it. A man from Missouri may act nice on the outside, but on the inside he’s black as coal. He’s calculating his next move. How to take advantage of you. Kansas is a weak state, Iowa and Oklahoma too. The people there are genuine. I’m from Missouri, all I care about is how I’m going to live another year without going crazy and murdering a family with a chainsaw. That’s the beauty of our people. It’s a sort of focused-stir crazy. Our only escape is a lake or a river. And those are some of the dirtiest areas around.

So, sir, never accuse me of being from California. For I have survived many a winter in Missouri. And deserve to be treated with the appropriate amount of respect. Missourians can root for whoever the fuck they want. It’s who we are. Need proof? What side were we on in the Civil war? North? But we raised our own militia to fight the north. We picked whatever side was doing the best. It’s engrained in my DNA. It’s in yours too, just have to look for it.

Thanks and have a good day.