How Missourians Do Attack Ads

Do you still need evidence that Missourian's are low-life scumbags with no taste? Well, just watch how we approach political attack ads and a Missourian's view of "San Francisco values."

Please note, through it all, I still love this state.

Missouri Licensed RNs Are Not Impressed With Your Ailment

I'm sitting here typing from my hospital bed in Missouri. I came to the emergency room with stomach cramps and ended up having surgery. I told the nurse that I would much rather have a private room because no one wants to hear my loud puking. Her response is as followed, "I don't really care what you want. I'm getting off in 5 minutes."

What we have here is another example of the selfishness of Missourians.

The next day, I began to tell a new nurse my side effects of a certain medicine. I told her that it was making me puke and giving me diarrhea. She told me that those two side effects were nothing. She's seen much worse in her day. Really? I'm shitting and puking blood at the same time, and your not impressed. I was always nervous about the inbred Missouri selfishness infiltrating past the trailer parks and into our schools and healthcare. I can now see that its only a matter of time before there will be absolutely no hope for our Missourian bred brothers and sisters.

By the way, I'm watching this new Real World right now and its amazing. Its the perfect combination: A thug-looking Uncle Tom, Three douche bags with gelled hair and a penchant for the outta control, an annoying southern belle that believes she's the normal one, and a prude who still goes to church while she's on the show. Perfection MTV, but could we get someone from Sedalia, MO in there and show them who's boss? Our last entry into the Real World was Frankie a few years back- you know, the cutter? We do it right.

Missouri Dealership Offers Free Handguns

A dealership is East Jesus, Missouri is offering free handguns or gas with every purchase. Is it not surprising that most customers are choosing the semiautomatic handgun? When asked about the promotion, general manager Walter Moore said "down here we believe in god, guts, and guns."

This man is a true missourian in every way. God bless you Walter.

Mormons hate Missouri

Joseph Smith, the founder and prophet of the Mormon religion, had this to say about our fair state:

"The murders at Haun's Mill, the exterminating order of Governor Boggs, and the one-sided rascally proceedings of the Legislature, have damned the State of Missouri to all eternity."

This quote originated from the Haun's Mill massacre when Missouri ordered a militia to exterminate a group of Mormon settlers. Missouri has only one speed and its set to "intense." These words are particularly damning when you realize that Smith also identified Independence, Missouri (the one-time Meth capital of the world) as the "center place." You know, where Jesus would return.

Is anyone surprised by this? Missouri being damned for all eternity? I mean Smith might have been on to something. If our roadways and other failed initiatives are any example, maybe all Missourians are cursed. Even worse, the only president from Missouri was the only president to use nuclear weapons. Our college has been host to a number of unsavory characters.

Missourians don't stand a chance.

Missouri is not impressed with the city of St. Louis

The city of St. Louis, Missouri is getting more and more frusterating to live in. In the previous years, there have been many ideas and entertainment developments that have been planned to revitalize the downtown area. By 2008, two developements (The Bottle District near the Dome and Ballpark Village near Busch Stadium) were supposed to be open and finished. As of today, construction has not started on either of them.

See, St. Louis is really good at creating blue prints for exciting new developments. But that is as far as we get. St. Louis is like the divorced dad who promises to attend your soccer game and the citizens are the little kids looking up to the stands knowing he won't be there. We are used to being treated like crap by our state. We are never surprised when something gets voted down. We know our state hates us. Missouri hates to see anyone succeed, especially its own kind. I hate it, but I respect the shit out of it.

A Missouri Flood Survival Kit

Toilet Paper........................................check

Bud Light...........................................check

Keystone Ice........................................check

Budweiser..........................................check

Red Dog.............................................check

Misc. other bottles of alcohol......................check

Piece of plywood to float your old lady and booze on ......... check

A Missouri Wedding? Probably