THE FOLLOWING LETTER IS FROM A KANSAS CITIAN WHOSE MISSOURIAN STATUS WAS CHALLENGED BY A ST. LOUISAN. IT DOES CONTAIN HARSH LANGUAGE, SO IF YOU ARE FROM THE WEST COAST PLEASE CLOSE YOUR EYES!
Never question my Missouri-ness. It takes a lot out of a man not enjoying a championship ever. The Rams and Cardinals have won one and been awesome during a time in recent memory. A championship or an over 60-win season can last for a while.
And part of being a Missourian is saying I don’t have to justify anything to you. You don’t like it? Fuck you. I’m from Missouri and I’ll act any way I want. That’s why there’s a Constitution. People told Harry S. Truman he shouldn’t drop the A-bomb, did he listen? No. Fuck asia. If there’s one thing consistent about Missourians its that they do what is in there own self-interest. Count me in. I want to have a back up team that actually wins once every 25 fucking years, so why not go with the best. And if they start sucking, who cares, I have nothing invested in them. I’m my own island with my own sense of right and wrong. Thats what was taught to me by 24 years of living in this terrible, backwards state. It’s how a man grows strong and lives on his own. Missouri is like a vision quest. We’ll send you out on your own, government doesn’t care about you. Parents got their own shit to deal with. Land-locked. Hottest heat. Coldest cold. Dirty. Trying to sell me shit constantly. Refusing to fix the roads. This state is all about living for yourself. That’s why we’re not impressed. We’ve seen the worst this world has to offer on a regular basis and we accept it as fact. Fans are supposed to give the other team shit. Our college is crooked and our athletes are criminals. That’s how we like it. A man from Missouri may act nice on the outside, but on the inside he’s black as coal. He’s calculating his next move. How to take advantage of you. Kansas is a weak state, Iowa and Oklahoma too. The people there are genuine. I’m from Missouri, all I care about is how I’m going to live another year without going crazy and murdering a family with a chainsaw. That’s the beauty of our people. It’s a sort of focused-stir crazy. Our only escape is a lake or a river. And those are some of the dirtiest areas around.
So, sir, never accuse me of being from California. For I have survived many a winter in Missouri. And deserve to be treated with the appropriate amount of respect. Missourians can root for whoever the fuck they want. It’s who we are. Need proof? What side were we on in the Civil war? North? But we raised our own militia to fight the north. We picked whatever side was doing the best. It’s engrained in my DNA. It’s in yours too, just have to look for it.
Thanks and have a good day.
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You know that scene in the Two towers when that dude sees the huge army that Saruman has amassed to wipe out man and you see a single tear roll down his cheek? that is how i felt while reading this post. BTW, i know that was penned by the Diesel himself.
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