My new favorite band

Although these guys are not from Missouri, they do represent themselves as stalwart, perhaps somewhat stubborn with a dedication to common sense.

Check out their myspace.

Roadhouse, Great American Movie

I've always had a lot of respect for Patrick Swayze, and I'd say it stems from my love of the movie Roadhouse. For those of you who don't know, Roadhouse takes place in a small Missouri town with a rowdy bar. They have to bring in a big shot bouncer to clean things up and turn it into a respectable place. This movie bleeds Missouri, let's get to the highlights:

1. Sam Elliot co-stars, movies with him are instantly tougher and more grizzly. Not to mention him constantly referring to Pat Swayze as "me-ho"

2. The bar is in a town being ruled by a single rich man who hires a bunch of red necks. Lawless.

3. In the final scene there are like 15 murders. 15 people die, get shot, kicked, karate chopped, etc... but when the cops arrive everyone plays dumb and has a big ol' laugh about it. Granted murder doesn't mean much in Missouri, but you would think that the cops would care when a single man takes the lives of half a town, but nope, just Missourians being rambuncious.

In fact, it's expected. When Missourians have a good time someone will probably die or get really hurt. It's just how we are. I actually think I grew up near where Roadhouse took place, had I been old enough I could have gone to that bar. I would have made it a point to throw up in a corner somewhere in hopes that Pat would see me and kick me out.

(Please note, as I began writing this post I realized I actually didn't have that much to say about Roadhouse, I just wanted to bring up the fact that Pat murders a ton of people at the end and gets away with it, even though he's covered in blood)

Tea gone Missouri

Everyone's heard of tea, right? British people love it. They eat it with their crumpets while they talk about the Industrial Revolution and the knights and fiefdoms and whatever else. Not Missouri. In fact what Missouri did was mix tea with something British people absolutely hate - ice. (It's a fact, British people hate ice, always have). The result came about in the 1904 St. Louis World's Fair - iced tea. The ultimate slap in the face to Britain, the queen and King Arthur. It was Missouri's way of keeping British tourists from filling our state with self-satisfied and pompous talk.

"Boise St. is lame," says Missouri

Where do I begin? First, your blue field is annoying and makes games at your place unwatchable. The fact that you come up with a gimmick like that to get more games on TV is pathetic. Secondly, we don't care that you won one game against Oklahoma. Try to play a full schedule in the Big 12 or the SEC and see if you survive without losing a game. Thirdly, no one gives a shit about Idaho except for its delicious potatoes. And lastly to you ESPN, I don't particularly enjoy your ruse in making me believe this is a team worth watching. Just another example of you taking it upon yourself to make something more than it is, like you're trying to to with the WNBA. You owe all of us an apology.

Come to think of it, the state of Missouri hates underdogs. They will never get respect from us. Why? They ruin everything. Hey, George Mason, great cinderella story a few years ago, too bad everyone know you wouldn't make the finals and would get destroyed when a team wasn't caught looking past you. Listen, underdogs are cool in theory, but what's cooler is a badass game where two power programs beat the hell out of each other. I can't see that if a fluke loss to some dipshit mid-major or Division 1AA school who got lucky ruins a ranking. Know your roll, lose to boost the rankings so we can all enjoy a good game. And stop destroying my bracket. By the way South Florida, this whole nation knew you didn't deserve #2, thanks for proving it.

This Week's Honorary Missourian

This week, we bequeath the honor to Baylor assistant offensive line coach Eric Schnupp. It seems that as a bar was closing and people were being herded out, he felt it necessary to urinate on the bar. A complete disregard for the society was shown. When a Missourian has to go, they go. It's just how it is. No misdemeanor is going to stand in the way.

Please note: He didn't go in the corner or underneath a table, he urinated ON the bar. Kudos Mr. Schnupp, come and visit your brethren if you get the chance.

To read the full story, click here

Not Impressed Mother Nature

A little known fact is that Missourians invented storm watching. Who else? It's the ultimate sign of disrespect to Mother Nature. I remember being a kid and the Tornado Warning was flashing on the TV, the horn was going crazy outside but rather than hiding in the basement, my family had the garage door open and a set of lawn chairs, if I had been old enough, there would have been drinks involved as well.

A Missourian is never surprised by weather or enthralled with it's "beauty." We've seen it all. Extreme cold, Extreme heat, ice storms, blizzards, floods, tornados, droughts... Missouri is the culmination of all the worst things that can be thrown at a people. And we're still not impressed.

In fact, the most powerful earthquake to strike the United States occurred in 1811, centered in New Madrid, Missouri. The quake shook more than one million square miles, and was felt as far as 1,000 miles away. According to legend, citizens of Arkansas, Kansas, and Tennesse heard Missourians mocking mother nature by yelling "Is that the best you got?"

I'm pretty sure if a nuclear bomb went off somewhere near, I would watch it from my garage, hell, I'm going to die anyway.

Where Missourians and Illinoisians differ...

Since I work on the border of Missouri and Illinois, I have noticed a few key differences in the attitudes and culture of the natives from each state. Here are just a few...

1. When hearing that Al Gore had just received the Nobel Peace Prize, an Illinoisian said, "Good for him. He has created much awareness about this horrible situation." A Missourian responded, "Al Gore is in it for the money. He is not to be trusted. Plus, global warming is a stupid concept."

2. An Illinoisian is much more prone to say, "Happy Friday guys!"

3. When someone walks around the office collecting money for a birthday party, an Illinoisian gets excited and wonders whose big day it is. A Missourian will shudder and respond, "who gives a shit. I have to give money again."

4. Illinoisians enjoy cream soda, balloons,and cake much more than Missourians.

5. Missourians still actively use the phrase, "Git 'r done."

6. Missourians appreciate Sammy Haggar's catalog much more that Illinoisians.

Jesse James: A True Missourian

I can sum up the state of Missouri with a beautiful quote from the governor of Illinois in 1881.

"Only the wretched state of Missouri would allow Jesse James to roam free for 12 years."

Show Me Sportsmanship

The following letter was written to the Kansas City Star following the Missouri-Nebraska game:

As a big 12 supporter, I have attended sporting events at seven different Big 12 schools. Never before have I seen such a lack of sportsmanship than what I saw at the Missouri-Nebraska game. I attended the game with no alliance to either team. I would like to remind the fans of Missouri that there is never an excuse to throw rocks or trash at fellow fans. I know this is a very exciting time for the football community at Missouri, but let's remember that one of the most important ingredients for winning football teams is sportsmanship. I hope that no MU fan has to experience in Norman what my party had to experience in Columbia. Come on, Mizzou, you are a big 12 school -- you are better than that.

Julia Tata - Dubois, Wyo.

Well Julia, I don't think you realized what state you were in. This is Missouri. We certainly weren't impressed with Nebraska and we let them know. We'll show you respect when you show us a reason to be respected- otherwise you'll get garbage thrown at you. If you don't like it, go back to Wyoming and eat your tofu and knit your quilts or whatever you do up there in God's country - there's no place for that here.

Open Letter to Patrons of My Banquet Bar

I work a banquet bar on weekends, below I've compiled a list of some things to do/not to do if I happen to be your bartender. (To know if it's me, I'm the guy who doesn't want to talk to you).

- To the wine snob who complains about cheap wine at an open bar: fuck you. Not impressed that you know what year was good for Pinot Grigio or some other wine snob bullshit. If you don't like it don't keep coming back and drinking it for free. Also, if it's cheap wine at the beginning we're not magically going to get bottles of great wine that meet your standards - it'll be the same shitty wine all night. You're complaining changes nothing and it's not cute or interesting, you're the worst type of person.

- To the underage people who are trying to get alcohol because it's a wedding: Do your homework. I don't condone underage drinking but I also don't care. Unless you look like a baby, I'm not going to give you problems, but don't make an asshole out of me. Don't order "wine" - that means nothing to me. Copy the order of the guy in front, or just say "red," "white," or "beer." When you say wine or order an amaretto sour you may as be saying that you're actually 17.

- To the guy who lives in the country and was invited only because he's family... the huge embarrassment to the family: You can't tell the difference. You can't tell the difference between merlot and cabernet so don't act like I punched you in the face when I only have one. Evan Williams and Jack Daniels mean nothing to your palate so don't complain. Better yet, just drink beer. Or just do everyone a favor and leave early without hitting your wife.

- To the guy who gives me a big tip to "take care of him": I'm not impressed. Join the club of people who all think I'll give them better service because they gave me a big tip. Listen, it's a wedding, I have limited supplies. I'll give you a vodka tonic when you ask me... there's your service. Your welcome. But I really do appreciate the big tip.

- To the people who think it's cool to yell my name: It's not. Just wait in line until I take your order, yelling my name does nothing except tell me not to serve you until later. Actually, yell barkeep, I respect that. Other's in the KC area don't, but I do.

- To the super drunk girls: Yes. I am interested, please, call me after the wedding. We'll go out or something.

- To the people who need one more drink: Really? When we're closed we're closed. The alcohol is gone. It's not behind the counter or in my pocket or hidden underneath the bar - it's locked in another room that I don't have the key to. "One more" means nothing to me, neither does demanding more. *Note: this is especially hard for those who tipped big earlier in the night to grasp.

Thanks for listening, also, I reserve the right to break every one of these tips when I'm out... and I'm pretty sure I have.

Two Honorary Missourians

I'm proud to name Timothy McKevitt and Jonathon Porter honorary Missourians for their exploits out west in San Francisco. It seems an ostrich named Gaylord attacked them in front of two girls, who laughed. To retaliate, the two men returned later and killed the bird.

If they were true Missourians they would have eaten the body of the ostrich and put its head in the locker of one of the girls who laughed at the attack - to serve as a warning. No one embarrasses a Missourian, unless its another Missourian who isn't impressed by something.

Read the full story here

Sweet Dreams from the Show Me State

I think this video sums up what it's like when a Missourian dreams: