Frank TV can suck a dick

I started this post back last December and never published it. I thought it was funny, so I'm posting it now. Enjoy:

Let's just get this out in the open. I fucking hate Frank TV. I know, TV has an opt-out policy. But it's gotten to a place where just watching the promos evokes anger in the pit of my stomach. You're not fucking funny. It's a stupid impersonator. He doesn't have good jokes. Once you figure out he does their voices well it's done. God Dammit. Dr. Phil? Seriously? Does anyone even give a shit about him anymore? Is this 1999 or whenever he mattered?

Fuck you Frank.

Missouri, leading the nation in sleet

I think it's a typical winter morning in Missouri when you come outside to your car to find it covered in a solid (and thick) sheet of ice. Any other state would get rattled, but for us, it's business as usual. The problem comes when you have people from out of state trying to drive in it. A Missouri driver isn't too concerned with going slow or all that other bullshit. They figure out ways to go fast and retain their independence, regardless of the weather.

Just another reason I love this terrible, backwards, stubborn state.

Mizzou Fans Voted the Most Classless in the Big 12

"Missouri fans are hands down the most classless, rude and loudmouth bunch in the Big 12 Conference.Their goal, as a whole, is not to cheer on their Tigers to a victory, but to direct any and every insult containing the F-bomb or remark questioning sexual orientation at their opponents."

Yeah, this pretty much sums up our fanbase. And you know what? We love it! We are classless....hell, we even hate our own kind. See, that's just the culture here in the show-me state. We are very cynical, very rude, and show respect to only a few. We also don't apologize for this. We have come to accept our fate and disposition in this world. Rather than hiding it, we celebrate it. Spitting, yelling F-bombs, grabbing our crotches; these are just the few things you learn at a young age in Missouri.

And to all the Jayhawks on Saturday night that told me to wait for basketball season, get a life. Football is a far superior sport that means much more. If only we were at Lawrence on Saturday night, the city would have burned down once again.

Missouri Wins

There's been a ton of coverage of this shirt design - but it's an instant classic. Missouri is about to play Kansas in football - and if we go by who came up with the most disrespectful/awesome shirt, Missouri will win... easy.

The shirt depicts the scene when Mssouri burned Lawrence to the ground. That's what happens when you rile us. Trust me, Missourians aren't impressed with Kansas.

Take a good long look at this shirt, it embodies everything that is Missouri. No class, doesn't care, isn't impressed, taking pride in belligerance. God Bless this beautiful state of Missouri.


Not to mention the Kansas response is lame. Nice one, pussies.



By the way...does Kansas really exist??

Hey Britney....not impressed with your self-destructive behavior

First of all, Missourians are growing very tired of hearing about young hollywood's reckless nights of debauchery. There is a reason why Missourians are far away from California - as a people we are much more destrucive than citizens from the West Coast.

So you snort drugs and don't watch your kids, big deal! In most counties of Missouri, kids are drinking and snorting meth before their fourteenth birthday. I would much rather read about how Billy Joe from the Ozarks beat up his 15-year-old wife than about some young rich spoiled slut getting a DWI.

Missourians are an intense and proud people. People who take it to the limit. But most of all, we're real. Missourians can't even buy Sudafed without having to sign a paper to make sure we don't turn it into meth. We don't trust each other, nor should we. You should never trust a missourian. I've seen The Hills on MTV, and I'm not impressed. I wouldn't even want to party with these lame ass douche bags that still act like their in high school.

In conclusion, Missourians don't celebrate their self-sabotaging behavior...we live it. Just think of what would happen if we had cameras in our faces 24 hours a day. That's a show I would watch.

Missouri Knows Cats

Today marks another historical notch in the collective belt of Missouri, we have finally decoded a cat - Cinnamon. The reasoning for this was probably to figure why they have such attitudes or something. Who knows. When Missourians get bored this is the kind of stuff they do, decode feline DNA.

Read about it yourself here

My new favorite band

Although these guys are not from Missouri, they do represent themselves as stalwart, perhaps somewhat stubborn with a dedication to common sense.

Check out their myspace.

Roadhouse, Great American Movie

I've always had a lot of respect for Patrick Swayze, and I'd say it stems from my love of the movie Roadhouse. For those of you who don't know, Roadhouse takes place in a small Missouri town with a rowdy bar. They have to bring in a big shot bouncer to clean things up and turn it into a respectable place. This movie bleeds Missouri, let's get to the highlights:

1. Sam Elliot co-stars, movies with him are instantly tougher and more grizzly. Not to mention him constantly referring to Pat Swayze as "me-ho"

2. The bar is in a town being ruled by a single rich man who hires a bunch of red necks. Lawless.

3. In the final scene there are like 15 murders. 15 people die, get shot, kicked, karate chopped, etc... but when the cops arrive everyone plays dumb and has a big ol' laugh about it. Granted murder doesn't mean much in Missouri, but you would think that the cops would care when a single man takes the lives of half a town, but nope, just Missourians being rambuncious.

In fact, it's expected. When Missourians have a good time someone will probably die or get really hurt. It's just how we are. I actually think I grew up near where Roadhouse took place, had I been old enough I could have gone to that bar. I would have made it a point to throw up in a corner somewhere in hopes that Pat would see me and kick me out.

(Please note, as I began writing this post I realized I actually didn't have that much to say about Roadhouse, I just wanted to bring up the fact that Pat murders a ton of people at the end and gets away with it, even though he's covered in blood)

Tea gone Missouri

Everyone's heard of tea, right? British people love it. They eat it with their crumpets while they talk about the Industrial Revolution and the knights and fiefdoms and whatever else. Not Missouri. In fact what Missouri did was mix tea with something British people absolutely hate - ice. (It's a fact, British people hate ice, always have). The result came about in the 1904 St. Louis World's Fair - iced tea. The ultimate slap in the face to Britain, the queen and King Arthur. It was Missouri's way of keeping British tourists from filling our state with self-satisfied and pompous talk.

"Boise St. is lame," says Missouri

Where do I begin? First, your blue field is annoying and makes games at your place unwatchable. The fact that you come up with a gimmick like that to get more games on TV is pathetic. Secondly, we don't care that you won one game against Oklahoma. Try to play a full schedule in the Big 12 or the SEC and see if you survive without losing a game. Thirdly, no one gives a shit about Idaho except for its delicious potatoes. And lastly to you ESPN, I don't particularly enjoy your ruse in making me believe this is a team worth watching. Just another example of you taking it upon yourself to make something more than it is, like you're trying to to with the WNBA. You owe all of us an apology.

Come to think of it, the state of Missouri hates underdogs. They will never get respect from us. Why? They ruin everything. Hey, George Mason, great cinderella story a few years ago, too bad everyone know you wouldn't make the finals and would get destroyed when a team wasn't caught looking past you. Listen, underdogs are cool in theory, but what's cooler is a badass game where two power programs beat the hell out of each other. I can't see that if a fluke loss to some dipshit mid-major or Division 1AA school who got lucky ruins a ranking. Know your roll, lose to boost the rankings so we can all enjoy a good game. And stop destroying my bracket. By the way South Florida, this whole nation knew you didn't deserve #2, thanks for proving it.

This Week's Honorary Missourian

This week, we bequeath the honor to Baylor assistant offensive line coach Eric Schnupp. It seems that as a bar was closing and people were being herded out, he felt it necessary to urinate on the bar. A complete disregard for the society was shown. When a Missourian has to go, they go. It's just how it is. No misdemeanor is going to stand in the way.

Please note: He didn't go in the corner or underneath a table, he urinated ON the bar. Kudos Mr. Schnupp, come and visit your brethren if you get the chance.

To read the full story, click here

Not Impressed Mother Nature

A little known fact is that Missourians invented storm watching. Who else? It's the ultimate sign of disrespect to Mother Nature. I remember being a kid and the Tornado Warning was flashing on the TV, the horn was going crazy outside but rather than hiding in the basement, my family had the garage door open and a set of lawn chairs, if I had been old enough, there would have been drinks involved as well.

A Missourian is never surprised by weather or enthralled with it's "beauty." We've seen it all. Extreme cold, Extreme heat, ice storms, blizzards, floods, tornados, droughts... Missouri is the culmination of all the worst things that can be thrown at a people. And we're still not impressed.

In fact, the most powerful earthquake to strike the United States occurred in 1811, centered in New Madrid, Missouri. The quake shook more than one million square miles, and was felt as far as 1,000 miles away. According to legend, citizens of Arkansas, Kansas, and Tennesse heard Missourians mocking mother nature by yelling "Is that the best you got?"

I'm pretty sure if a nuclear bomb went off somewhere near, I would watch it from my garage, hell, I'm going to die anyway.

Where Missourians and Illinoisians differ...

Since I work on the border of Missouri and Illinois, I have noticed a few key differences in the attitudes and culture of the natives from each state. Here are just a few...

1. When hearing that Al Gore had just received the Nobel Peace Prize, an Illinoisian said, "Good for him. He has created much awareness about this horrible situation." A Missourian responded, "Al Gore is in it for the money. He is not to be trusted. Plus, global warming is a stupid concept."

2. An Illinoisian is much more prone to say, "Happy Friday guys!"

3. When someone walks around the office collecting money for a birthday party, an Illinoisian gets excited and wonders whose big day it is. A Missourian will shudder and respond, "who gives a shit. I have to give money again."

4. Illinoisians enjoy cream soda, balloons,and cake much more than Missourians.

5. Missourians still actively use the phrase, "Git 'r done."

6. Missourians appreciate Sammy Haggar's catalog much more that Illinoisians.

Jesse James: A True Missourian

I can sum up the state of Missouri with a beautiful quote from the governor of Illinois in 1881.

"Only the wretched state of Missouri would allow Jesse James to roam free for 12 years."

Show Me Sportsmanship

The following letter was written to the Kansas City Star following the Missouri-Nebraska game:

As a big 12 supporter, I have attended sporting events at seven different Big 12 schools. Never before have I seen such a lack of sportsmanship than what I saw at the Missouri-Nebraska game. I attended the game with no alliance to either team. I would like to remind the fans of Missouri that there is never an excuse to throw rocks or trash at fellow fans. I know this is a very exciting time for the football community at Missouri, but let's remember that one of the most important ingredients for winning football teams is sportsmanship. I hope that no MU fan has to experience in Norman what my party had to experience in Columbia. Come on, Mizzou, you are a big 12 school -- you are better than that.

Julia Tata - Dubois, Wyo.

Well Julia, I don't think you realized what state you were in. This is Missouri. We certainly weren't impressed with Nebraska and we let them know. We'll show you respect when you show us a reason to be respected- otherwise you'll get garbage thrown at you. If you don't like it, go back to Wyoming and eat your tofu and knit your quilts or whatever you do up there in God's country - there's no place for that here.

Open Letter to Patrons of My Banquet Bar

I work a banquet bar on weekends, below I've compiled a list of some things to do/not to do if I happen to be your bartender. (To know if it's me, I'm the guy who doesn't want to talk to you).

- To the wine snob who complains about cheap wine at an open bar: fuck you. Not impressed that you know what year was good for Pinot Grigio or some other wine snob bullshit. If you don't like it don't keep coming back and drinking it for free. Also, if it's cheap wine at the beginning we're not magically going to get bottles of great wine that meet your standards - it'll be the same shitty wine all night. You're complaining changes nothing and it's not cute or interesting, you're the worst type of person.

- To the underage people who are trying to get alcohol because it's a wedding: Do your homework. I don't condone underage drinking but I also don't care. Unless you look like a baby, I'm not going to give you problems, but don't make an asshole out of me. Don't order "wine" - that means nothing to me. Copy the order of the guy in front, or just say "red," "white," or "beer." When you say wine or order an amaretto sour you may as be saying that you're actually 17.

- To the guy who lives in the country and was invited only because he's family... the huge embarrassment to the family: You can't tell the difference. You can't tell the difference between merlot and cabernet so don't act like I punched you in the face when I only have one. Evan Williams and Jack Daniels mean nothing to your palate so don't complain. Better yet, just drink beer. Or just do everyone a favor and leave early without hitting your wife.

- To the guy who gives me a big tip to "take care of him": I'm not impressed. Join the club of people who all think I'll give them better service because they gave me a big tip. Listen, it's a wedding, I have limited supplies. I'll give you a vodka tonic when you ask me... there's your service. Your welcome. But I really do appreciate the big tip.

- To the people who think it's cool to yell my name: It's not. Just wait in line until I take your order, yelling my name does nothing except tell me not to serve you until later. Actually, yell barkeep, I respect that. Other's in the KC area don't, but I do.

- To the super drunk girls: Yes. I am interested, please, call me after the wedding. We'll go out or something.

- To the people who need one more drink: Really? When we're closed we're closed. The alcohol is gone. It's not behind the counter or in my pocket or hidden underneath the bar - it's locked in another room that I don't have the key to. "One more" means nothing to me, neither does demanding more. *Note: this is especially hard for those who tipped big earlier in the night to grasp.

Thanks for listening, also, I reserve the right to break every one of these tips when I'm out... and I'm pretty sure I have.

Two Honorary Missourians

I'm proud to name Timothy McKevitt and Jonathon Porter honorary Missourians for their exploits out west in San Francisco. It seems an ostrich named Gaylord attacked them in front of two girls, who laughed. To retaliate, the two men returned later and killed the bird.

If they were true Missourians they would have eaten the body of the ostrich and put its head in the locker of one of the girls who laughed at the attack - to serve as a warning. No one embarrasses a Missourian, unless its another Missourian who isn't impressed by something.

Read the full story here

Sweet Dreams from the Show Me State

I think this video sums up what it's like when a Missourian dreams:

I hate Chefs

Let me set a few things straight.

I'm from Missouri. My palate is plain. I like tacos, hamburgers, pizza and spaghetti... that's basically it. Those are my four food groups. I don't like fennel, or anything from the ocean (I don't trust the ocean, but that's for another day) and I'm not impressed by your blueberry and gorganzola reduction sauce. Which leads me to my next point:

I hate the idea of the chef as a celebrity.

When did we start giving chefs all this credit? Who cares their opinions on fashion or music or movies or even beer. Just because someone is good at making food doesn't make them hip. In fact, have you ever met a chef? They're all the same, huge assholes. Not the cool kind of assholes, but the lame ones. The kids who got picked one who get that little bit of power when they are become a "chef" and get their own kitchen. They decided to make everyone's lives miserable - especially the servers, because if you've ever worked in a resteraunt, the "pretty" ones with charisma are the servers, they throw the pimple-faced grunts who bitch and moan constantly in the steam filled hell-hole called the kitchen.

I'm not impressed with you. I don't care about your technique or ability to taste rosemary in some duck glaze. You are a glorified cook. You hear me Tom Colicchio and all you other piece of shit chefs? Your work changes nothing. The best reaction your life's work could produce is someone going "Oh, this is good." That's it. You're not inventing the wheel. You're a cook.

And I'm sure all chefs started out as line cooks. Jesus Christ. Have you ever met a line chef who wasn't:
a. Miserable
b. A huge bag of shit who complained constantly
c. A smoker

I've worked with dozens of cooks. Some have even been alright... but they were the ones who only did it until they graduated school. Not the people who based their lives around grilling a fucking cheeseburger.

Listen line cook. You are not smarter than me. If you were you, wouldn't be a fucking cook. You are not better than me (that one is pure ego). You go home and smell like food and maybe you drink your wine and imagine how one day people will give you all sorts of respect that you don't deserve, but you are one god damn step away from the person who puts the burgers together at McDonalds.

God I hate chefs. You know what, it's one of the only professions where they could write down what to do, then I could produce something the same quality. A chef is like someone who builds pre assembled office furniture. Gordon Ramsey, I am not impressed with you or your hair. You don't like good music and you probably suck. You lucked out and got swept up in this stupid fascination we have with the Celebrity Chef.

Can we please move on to another worthless profession that takes itself to seriously?

Chefs can go fuck themselves, I can make tacos on my own.

Trey Wingo Wants You To Show Him

Interesting story: Last night, as I was watching SportsCenter, minding my own business, I heard a comment that caught my attention. Trey Wingo (also known as the lamest turd currently employed by ESPN) was going on and on about how the NFL's Kansas City Chiefs and St. Louis Rams were both winless heading into their Week 3 games. At the end of this diatribe, Trey had the balls to say the following: "Chiefs and Rams, you're from the Show-Me State. So why don't you start showing us something."

OK, Trey. Let me start by telling you to go f*ck your sister. Let me then tell you that you can feel free to NEVER tell anyone from Missouri to show you anything again. Here in Missouri, we don't show people sh*t. You show us. And after you show us, we act really unimpressed and make fun of you. That's how it works. So don't give me — or anyone else from Missouri — any business about showing. You show us. We make fun of you. It's the same way it's always been.

A warning, Trey Wingo: Don't make this mistake twice.

Spreading our filth to the Third World

A recent National Geographic article named the "Ten Most Polluted Places." At number one, La Orya located somewhere deep in the belly of Peru. What is interesting is this little nugget from the second paragraph:

"A metal smelter run by the Missouri-based Doe Run Corporation has operated in the remote settlement since 1922.

Exposure to the smelter's pollution has led to dangerously high blood lead levels in nearly all of La Oroya's children, according to the New York-based institute."

Figures. Missouri is behind the most polluted place on planet Earth. Missourians have a complete disregard for the third world.

You can read the rest of the article here

Life is a highway

People who don't know or understand Missouri love to come into our fair state and complain about it's highways. Cracked, beaten, and full of potholes- legitamately some of the worst in the entire country. The reason? Missourian's don't believe in the sin tax, in fact, the idea to them is bullshit. The equation is simple:

Better Highways = Higher taxes on booze, guns and cigarettes and probably even porn

We're not willing to do that. It's madness. Missourians love their booze, guns and cigs and, if you judge by the amount, they REALLY love their Porn.

And God help who suggests we get a toll booth. Missourians hate toll booths.

If you have a problem with it, don't live in Missouri.


Also, on a side note, Missouri leads the nation in not giving a shit about the iPhone.

Mohawks

I'm not impressed with your mohawk.

Missouri, 1821

There have been some questions about the purpose of ths blog. Mainly, "Why should I never trust a Missourian?"
Glad you dispshits asked.

- The land for this state was part of the Louisiana Purchase, during which, the United States fleeced the French. Pretty cheap, no?

- Our motto pretty much says it all: The "Show-Me State." What a cynical state motto. What it's saying is that we don't believe you until you show us. Of course, even if you show us, we probably don't care.

- During the Civil War, we committed to fighting with the North. We then proceeded to form a militia that was used to attack union soldiers. Real classy, Missouri.

- The University of Missouri, the state's largest institution for higher learning, was teacher to such boy scouts as Kenneth Lay of Enron, Sam Walton of Wal-Mart, Gary Barnett (the out-of-work, embattled University of Colorado football coach) and Doctor Death of Iraq. We teach them right.

- As was recently brought to our attention, we posess more caves than any other state in the continental U.S. Perfect for snitches to hide out.

Chew on that for awhile.

Top Ten Un-Trustable Missourians

10. Mark Twain: He didn't even go by his real name.
9. Quin Snyder: Possibly the most party of all major Division 1 basketball coaches. Think about it, that pussy coach from the mud-filled sinkhole Iowa State partied one night in Missouri and got fired. Quin made it for years.
8. Harry S. Truman: Only president from Missouri, also the only president to use a nuclear weapon, twice.
7. Brad Pitt: Truth be told, this guy is awesome, but I don't think he'd ever return my call.
Me: Hey man, let me know what you're doing later
Brad: Sure man, I'll call you
Then he'd never call
6. Sam Walton: Went to college at Missouri, went on to drive everyone out of business
5. Rush Limbaugh: Addicted to painkillers and racist
4. George Washington Carver: Didn't really invent peanut butter - biggest lie since Columbus
3. Jesse James: Is it any coincidence that Brad Pitt will be portraying him in a new movie?
2. Kenneth Lay: Ask former Enron employees how they feel.
1. Walt Disney: Don't even get me started on this son of a bitch

Other Notable Un-Trustable Missourians: Walter Cronkite,Yogi Berra, Red Foxx, Carl Peterson

Introduction

In my experience, you should never trust someone from Missouri