I hate Chefs

Let me set a few things straight.

I'm from Missouri. My palate is plain. I like tacos, hamburgers, pizza and spaghetti... that's basically it. Those are my four food groups. I don't like fennel, or anything from the ocean (I don't trust the ocean, but that's for another day) and I'm not impressed by your blueberry and gorganzola reduction sauce. Which leads me to my next point:

I hate the idea of the chef as a celebrity.

When did we start giving chefs all this credit? Who cares their opinions on fashion or music or movies or even beer. Just because someone is good at making food doesn't make them hip. In fact, have you ever met a chef? They're all the same, huge assholes. Not the cool kind of assholes, but the lame ones. The kids who got picked one who get that little bit of power when they are become a "chef" and get their own kitchen. They decided to make everyone's lives miserable - especially the servers, because if you've ever worked in a resteraunt, the "pretty" ones with charisma are the servers, they throw the pimple-faced grunts who bitch and moan constantly in the steam filled hell-hole called the kitchen.

I'm not impressed with you. I don't care about your technique or ability to taste rosemary in some duck glaze. You are a glorified cook. You hear me Tom Colicchio and all you other piece of shit chefs? Your work changes nothing. The best reaction your life's work could produce is someone going "Oh, this is good." That's it. You're not inventing the wheel. You're a cook.

And I'm sure all chefs started out as line cooks. Jesus Christ. Have you ever met a line chef who wasn't:
a. Miserable
b. A huge bag of shit who complained constantly
c. A smoker

I've worked with dozens of cooks. Some have even been alright... but they were the ones who only did it until they graduated school. Not the people who based their lives around grilling a fucking cheeseburger.

Listen line cook. You are not smarter than me. If you were you, wouldn't be a fucking cook. You are not better than me (that one is pure ego). You go home and smell like food and maybe you drink your wine and imagine how one day people will give you all sorts of respect that you don't deserve, but you are one god damn step away from the person who puts the burgers together at McDonalds.

God I hate chefs. You know what, it's one of the only professions where they could write down what to do, then I could produce something the same quality. A chef is like someone who builds pre assembled office furniture. Gordon Ramsey, I am not impressed with you or your hair. You don't like good music and you probably suck. You lucked out and got swept up in this stupid fascination we have with the Celebrity Chef.

Can we please move on to another worthless profession that takes itself to seriously?

Chefs can go fuck themselves, I can make tacos on my own.

Trey Wingo Wants You To Show Him

Interesting story: Last night, as I was watching SportsCenter, minding my own business, I heard a comment that caught my attention. Trey Wingo (also known as the lamest turd currently employed by ESPN) was going on and on about how the NFL's Kansas City Chiefs and St. Louis Rams were both winless heading into their Week 3 games. At the end of this diatribe, Trey had the balls to say the following: "Chiefs and Rams, you're from the Show-Me State. So why don't you start showing us something."

OK, Trey. Let me start by telling you to go f*ck your sister. Let me then tell you that you can feel free to NEVER tell anyone from Missouri to show you anything again. Here in Missouri, we don't show people sh*t. You show us. And after you show us, we act really unimpressed and make fun of you. That's how it works. So don't give me — or anyone else from Missouri — any business about showing. You show us. We make fun of you. It's the same way it's always been.

A warning, Trey Wingo: Don't make this mistake twice.

Spreading our filth to the Third World

A recent National Geographic article named the "Ten Most Polluted Places." At number one, La Orya located somewhere deep in the belly of Peru. What is interesting is this little nugget from the second paragraph:

"A metal smelter run by the Missouri-based Doe Run Corporation has operated in the remote settlement since 1922.

Exposure to the smelter's pollution has led to dangerously high blood lead levels in nearly all of La Oroya's children, according to the New York-based institute."

Figures. Missouri is behind the most polluted place on planet Earth. Missourians have a complete disregard for the third world.

You can read the rest of the article here

Life is a highway

People who don't know or understand Missouri love to come into our fair state and complain about it's highways. Cracked, beaten, and full of potholes- legitamately some of the worst in the entire country. The reason? Missourian's don't believe in the sin tax, in fact, the idea to them is bullshit. The equation is simple:

Better Highways = Higher taxes on booze, guns and cigarettes and probably even porn

We're not willing to do that. It's madness. Missourians love their booze, guns and cigs and, if you judge by the amount, they REALLY love their Porn.

And God help who suggests we get a toll booth. Missourians hate toll booths.

If you have a problem with it, don't live in Missouri.


Also, on a side note, Missouri leads the nation in not giving a shit about the iPhone.

Mohawks

I'm not impressed with your mohawk.

Missouri, 1821

There have been some questions about the purpose of ths blog. Mainly, "Why should I never trust a Missourian?"
Glad you dispshits asked.

- The land for this state was part of the Louisiana Purchase, during which, the United States fleeced the French. Pretty cheap, no?

- Our motto pretty much says it all: The "Show-Me State." What a cynical state motto. What it's saying is that we don't believe you until you show us. Of course, even if you show us, we probably don't care.

- During the Civil War, we committed to fighting with the North. We then proceeded to form a militia that was used to attack union soldiers. Real classy, Missouri.

- The University of Missouri, the state's largest institution for higher learning, was teacher to such boy scouts as Kenneth Lay of Enron, Sam Walton of Wal-Mart, Gary Barnett (the out-of-work, embattled University of Colorado football coach) and Doctor Death of Iraq. We teach them right.

- As was recently brought to our attention, we posess more caves than any other state in the continental U.S. Perfect for snitches to hide out.

Chew on that for awhile.