Missouri Hates Music

If there is one thing Missouri hates more than the success of others, it has to be good music. We hate listening to it and despise seeing it live. This can be seen in the St. Louis and Kansas City scene. Both cities have god-wful crowds and we never sell out concerts that will sell out in an hour in most other cities. For example, Radiohead came to St. Louis in May of this year and it didn't sellout. Really St. Louis? Don't blame the economic climate either. I think most people can afford $30 every 5 years that Radiohead tours. See the thing is, we get big acts. But they only come about once, they don't sellout, and then they never come again. Booking agents see large metropolitan areas in St. Louis and KC and think that they have to stop in Missouri. Little did they know that we can't stand their kind.

Missouri's Version of Cockfighting

The newest trend in Missouri? You guessed it, forcing your kids to fight each other. From the St. Louis Post-Dispatch:

Man forced sons to fight

"WENTZVILLE - A father forced his two sons to fight each other because one had pushed the other off his bicycle, police said."

Go here to read the full story.



The best part of the story is that he made them fight in front of his house with an audience and when cars drove by they'd call a "Game off." I think this exemplifies what its like to raise your kid in Missouri - a strong commitment to teaching important values like "Not Being a Pussy" and "Kicking Your Brother When He's Down" and "Not Crying Like A Faggy Little Girl" and, don't forget, "Don't Snitch."

That last one didn't work out so well.

Missouri leading the nation in racism on the roads

So, not only are we the state that had the KKK try to Adopt-A-Highway (we let them). But now, we've put up this sign. Nice.

I hate this state.

MWI: Mowing While Intoxicated

I love this state.

I was going to write some scathing critique of this guy, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. He represents all that is good about Missouri. I have posted the story in its entirety, it's just too good to keep to myself:




Man Accused Of Drunken Driving On Riding Mower


IRON MOUNTAIN LAKE, Mo., Oct. 8, 2008

(AP) An eastern Missouri man was accused of drunken driving on a riding lawnmower. The suspect, whose name has not been released, was suspected of being involved in a disturbance on Sunday.

On Monday, police got a tip that the man was at a home. An officer went to the home saw the man driving down a street on a riding mower, pulling a trailer with a case of beer. Police say the man also had a flask of whiskey in his pocket.

The man's blood alcohol registered at .115, well above the state legal limit of 0.08.

The man was arrested for driving while intoxicated and careless and imprudent driving.


Kudos man. You're incredible. The best part is that this guy is hammered - like, already at .115 and still going strong.

Gone Noodlin'

Noodling. Have you heard of this? Supposedly it's illegal. Apparently, it entails getting a catfish to try and swallow your hand. Then, you just pull it up, out of the water. Have a big fucking fish fry in the front yard and eat it and drink Busch grow rat-tails. But here's the thing. People die from this all the time.

Seriously. They get drowned by the catfish. Is there a less graceful way to die? I'm sure there is. But this has to be up there. What do you do if you're the friend who was out there with your buddy and he's killed by a huge catfish. Surely you could have done something.

It's the most white- trash-peice-of- shit-retard-redneck-fucking- stupid-waste-of-human- life-dumbfuck-and- 18-years-of-compulsory-education- and-for-what?-for-a-fucking- huge-dick-catfish-to- drown-you-in-a-sick- Missouri-creek way to die.

This should seriously be Missouri's state sport. I hate the people in this state.

Conceal AND Carry

Ever wonder why this blog is called "Never Trust A Missourian"? Well, I'll give you two words that explain it perfectly. One is "conceal" and the other is "carry."

For idiots, this means that Missourians have the right to hide a gun on them and walk around amongst us. Why you ask? Why in the fuck would anyone need to carry a gun around all the time? Well, as this engrossing website Missouri Right To Carry What Every Woman Should Know tells us there are a TON of good reasons to allow for stupid Missourians to be able to carry a gun around.

- Right-to-carry license holders are more law-abiding than the general public. In Florida, for example, the firearm crime rate among license holders, annually averaging only several crimes per 100,000 licensees, is a fraction of the rate for the state as a whole. Since the carry law went into effect in 1987, less than 0.02% of Florida carry permits have been revoked because of gun crimes committed by license holders.

Good. We're comparing ourselves to Florida. Jesus. Florida? One of the most disgusting peice of shit states in the Union. Sick. Pretty soon we'll be comparing ourselves to Mississippi explaining why being morbidly obese is good for society. Quick note: I hate Mississippi more than Missouri.


- Murder rates decline when either more women or more men carry concealed handguns, but the effect is especially pronounced for women.

Yep. You heard it here. But, what this doesn't take into account is that the overall trashiness of Missouri means our crime rate is so high that there can be fluctuations and we can still be one of the worst places to live. This is fucking stupid. I wonder how concel and carry has change the numbers in New Hampshire. Wait, that place is awesome. It doesn't need to carry a gun to go to Dairy Queen and get a chocolate dip cone. And now... my favorite

- The benefits of concealed handguns are not limited to those who carry them. Others get a free ride from the crime fighting efforts of their fellow citizens.

Good point. Fucking pussy liberals.

Seriously, never trust a Missourian.

An Open Letter to Radio Program Managers

Dear Program Manager,

Please stop playing Jane's Addiction. Seriously, this band is fucking stupid and terrible. There is not ONE redeeming quality in there music - at least not that I've heard. It's garbage. His voice sucks. I can't even form a coherent thought I'm so mad about this sick band.

But don't worry. They have that one god damn song that you wait for me to get into my car before you play. God I hate that fucking song. "Been Caught Stealin" that's some good ass music, right? Yeah, people around the city are just pumped because they hear a little JA come on.

Dammit. It's terrible. No one likes Jane's Addiction. The band didn't even like it, that's why they broke up... twice. You know, why you're at it, why don't you do a little Papa Roach right after.

You disgust me Program Managers. Jane's Addiction can go to hell.

How Missourians Do Attack Ads

Do you still need evidence that Missourian's are low-life scumbags with no taste? Well, just watch how we approach political attack ads and a Missourian's view of "San Francisco values."

Please note, through it all, I still love this state.

Missouri Licensed RNs Are Not Impressed With Your Ailment

I'm sitting here typing from my hospital bed in Missouri. I came to the emergency room with stomach cramps and ended up having surgery. I told the nurse that I would much rather have a private room because no one wants to hear my loud puking. Her response is as followed, "I don't really care what you want. I'm getting off in 5 minutes."

What we have here is another example of the selfishness of Missourians.

The next day, I began to tell a new nurse my side effects of a certain medicine. I told her that it was making me puke and giving me diarrhea. She told me that those two side effects were nothing. She's seen much worse in her day. Really? I'm shitting and puking blood at the same time, and your not impressed. I was always nervous about the inbred Missouri selfishness infiltrating past the trailer parks and into our schools and healthcare. I can now see that its only a matter of time before there will be absolutely no hope for our Missourian bred brothers and sisters.

By the way, I'm watching this new Real World right now and its amazing. Its the perfect combination: A thug-looking Uncle Tom, Three douche bags with gelled hair and a penchant for the outta control, an annoying southern belle that believes she's the normal one, and a prude who still goes to church while she's on the show. Perfection MTV, but could we get someone from Sedalia, MO in there and show them who's boss? Our last entry into the Real World was Frankie a few years back- you know, the cutter? We do it right.

Missouri Dealership Offers Free Handguns

A dealership is East Jesus, Missouri is offering free handguns or gas with every purchase. Is it not surprising that most customers are choosing the semiautomatic handgun? When asked about the promotion, general manager Walter Moore said "down here we believe in god, guts, and guns."

This man is a true missourian in every way. God bless you Walter.

Mormons hate Missouri

Joseph Smith, the founder and prophet of the Mormon religion, had this to say about our fair state:

"The murders at Haun's Mill, the exterminating order of Governor Boggs, and the one-sided rascally proceedings of the Legislature, have damned the State of Missouri to all eternity."

This quote originated from the Haun's Mill massacre when Missouri ordered a militia to exterminate a group of Mormon settlers. Missouri has only one speed and its set to "intense." These words are particularly damning when you realize that Smith also identified Independence, Missouri (the one-time Meth capital of the world) as the "center place." You know, where Jesus would return.

Is anyone surprised by this? Missouri being damned for all eternity? I mean Smith might have been on to something. If our roadways and other failed initiatives are any example, maybe all Missourians are cursed. Even worse, the only president from Missouri was the only president to use nuclear weapons. Our college has been host to a number of unsavory characters.

Missourians don't stand a chance.

Missouri is not impressed with the city of St. Louis

The city of St. Louis, Missouri is getting more and more frusterating to live in. In the previous years, there have been many ideas and entertainment developments that have been planned to revitalize the downtown area. By 2008, two developements (The Bottle District near the Dome and Ballpark Village near Busch Stadium) were supposed to be open and finished. As of today, construction has not started on either of them.

See, St. Louis is really good at creating blue prints for exciting new developments. But that is as far as we get. St. Louis is like the divorced dad who promises to attend your soccer game and the citizens are the little kids looking up to the stands knowing he won't be there. We are used to being treated like crap by our state. We are never surprised when something gets voted down. We know our state hates us. Missouri hates to see anyone succeed, especially its own kind. I hate it, but I respect the shit out of it.

A Missouri Flood Survival Kit

Toilet Paper........................................check

Bud Light...........................................check

Keystone Ice........................................check

Budweiser..........................................check

Red Dog.............................................check

Misc. other bottles of alcohol......................check

Piece of plywood to float your old lady and booze on ......... check

A Missouri Wedding? Probably

Random Quote

"I come from a country that raises corn and cotton, cockleburs and
Democrats, and frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. I'm from
Missouri, and you have got to show me" - William Vandiver

Missourians have their cake and eat it too

THE FOLLOWING LETTER IS FROM A KANSAS CITIAN WHOSE MISSOURIAN STATUS WAS CHALLENGED BY A ST. LOUISAN. IT DOES CONTAIN HARSH LANGUAGE, SO IF YOU ARE FROM THE WEST COAST PLEASE CLOSE YOUR EYES!

Never question my Missouri-ness. It takes a lot out of a man not enjoying a championship ever. The Rams and Cardinals have won one and been awesome during a time in recent memory. A championship or an over 60-win season can last for a while.

And part of being a Missourian is saying I don’t have to justify anything to you. You don’t like it? Fuck you. I’m from Missouri and I’ll act any way I want. That’s why there’s a Constitution. People told Harry S. Truman he shouldn’t drop the A-bomb, did he listen? No. Fuck asia. If there’s one thing consistent about Missourians its that they do what is in there own self-interest. Count me in. I want to have a back up team that actually wins once every 25 fucking years, so why not go with the best. And if they start sucking, who cares, I have nothing invested in them. I’m my own island with my own sense of right and wrong. Thats what was taught to me by 24 years of living in this terrible, backwards state. It’s how a man grows strong and lives on his own. Missouri is like a vision quest. We’ll send you out on your own, government doesn’t care about you. Parents got their own shit to deal with. Land-locked. Hottest heat. Coldest cold. Dirty. Trying to sell me shit constantly. Refusing to fix the roads. This state is all about living for yourself. That’s why we’re not impressed. We’ve seen the worst this world has to offer on a regular basis and we accept it as fact. Fans are supposed to give the other team shit. Our college is crooked and our athletes are criminals. That’s how we like it. A man from Missouri may act nice on the outside, but on the inside he’s black as coal. He’s calculating his next move. How to take advantage of you. Kansas is a weak state, Iowa and Oklahoma too. The people there are genuine. I’m from Missouri, all I care about is how I’m going to live another year without going crazy and murdering a family with a chainsaw. That’s the beauty of our people. It’s a sort of focused-stir crazy. Our only escape is a lake or a river. And those are some of the dirtiest areas around.

So, sir, never accuse me of being from California. For I have survived many a winter in Missouri. And deserve to be treated with the appropriate amount of respect. Missourians can root for whoever the fuck they want. It’s who we are. Need proof? What side were we on in the Civil war? North? But we raised our own militia to fight the north. We picked whatever side was doing the best. It’s engrained in my DNA. It’s in yours too, just have to look for it.

Thanks and have a good day.

Missourians aren't impressed with the Jersey Shore

If hell opened up and swallowed the Jersey Shore, would anybody care?

The answer is yes, it would be used as a cautionary tale. We'd all be grateful that those bastards finally got what they deserve. And, we'd still have the fantastic True Life episode to preserve their memory and remind future generations of the evils of excessive tanning, weight lifting, gold chains and white swoosh pants. Those that don't know their history are doomed to repeat it.

I can't believe that these people actually exist.

More Ridiculous News From the Show Me State

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,324181,00.html

If you don't get a chance to check it out, the headline of the story is "Chainsaw Attack Victims Remain in Critical Condition in Missouri." Think about that. A man attacked other people with a chainsaw. If you've ever wondered why you should never trust a Missourian this is case and point.


Some guys can't take the pressure and constant paranoia that comes with living in the Show Me State.

Missouri, leading the nation in not showing emotion

Obviously, Hillary Clinton is not a Missourian. I was watching an interview with her a couple of days ago and saw her tear up about the country and how she could make a difference. First of all, this was completely set up. Secondly, if it was real, do we really want the president of this country to be crying in public? Citizens of the show me state do not like to show their emotions. Nor should we, its a sign of weakness. We are stalwart and valiant in our everyday lives.

I remember falling off the monkey bars when I was a kid. It was about a 15 foot fall so I immediately began to cry. I will never forget the look on my father's face. Not only was he embarrassed, I think he lost a little respect for me. Ever since that day, I've only cried twice. And both times happened in one viewing of the movie Rudy.

In conclusion, I have some advice for Mrs. Clinton. Come the Missouri Primaries, you better use a different tactic other than crying to persuade votes. It will NOT work...in fact it will hurt you.