Open Letter to Patrons of My Banquet Bar

I work a banquet bar on weekends, below I've compiled a list of some things to do/not to do if I happen to be your bartender. (To know if it's me, I'm the guy who doesn't want to talk to you).

- To the wine snob who complains about cheap wine at an open bar: fuck you. Not impressed that you know what year was good for Pinot Grigio or some other wine snob bullshit. If you don't like it don't keep coming back and drinking it for free. Also, if it's cheap wine at the beginning we're not magically going to get bottles of great wine that meet your standards - it'll be the same shitty wine all night. You're complaining changes nothing and it's not cute or interesting, you're the worst type of person.

- To the underage people who are trying to get alcohol because it's a wedding: Do your homework. I don't condone underage drinking but I also don't care. Unless you look like a baby, I'm not going to give you problems, but don't make an asshole out of me. Don't order "wine" - that means nothing to me. Copy the order of the guy in front, or just say "red," "white," or "beer." When you say wine or order an amaretto sour you may as be saying that you're actually 17.

- To the guy who lives in the country and was invited only because he's family... the huge embarrassment to the family: You can't tell the difference. You can't tell the difference between merlot and cabernet so don't act like I punched you in the face when I only have one. Evan Williams and Jack Daniels mean nothing to your palate so don't complain. Better yet, just drink beer. Or just do everyone a favor and leave early without hitting your wife.

- To the guy who gives me a big tip to "take care of him": I'm not impressed. Join the club of people who all think I'll give them better service because they gave me a big tip. Listen, it's a wedding, I have limited supplies. I'll give you a vodka tonic when you ask me... there's your service. Your welcome. But I really do appreciate the big tip.

- To the people who think it's cool to yell my name: It's not. Just wait in line until I take your order, yelling my name does nothing except tell me not to serve you until later. Actually, yell barkeep, I respect that. Other's in the KC area don't, but I do.

- To the super drunk girls: Yes. I am interested, please, call me after the wedding. We'll go out or something.

- To the people who need one more drink: Really? When we're closed we're closed. The alcohol is gone. It's not behind the counter or in my pocket or hidden underneath the bar - it's locked in another room that I don't have the key to. "One more" means nothing to me, neither does demanding more. *Note: this is especially hard for those who tipped big earlier in the night to grasp.

Thanks for listening, also, I reserve the right to break every one of these tips when I'm out... and I'm pretty sure I have.